Time doesn't cure all wounds

It's been along time since I have written in the blog. I think it comes mostly from the desire to write something meaningful, but now really wanting anyone to know about my life. I have, however, had a lot on my mind these past few months.

When Mhairi died there were many well wishers that told me the time would heal all wounds. I'm hear to tell them no it doesn't or I haven't given it enough time. I find that as the holidays approach I reach out for the loving and warm memories that Christmas should bring, only to find them filled with anxiety and loss. A remembrance of the little girl that once was ours and the sister that Rhyanna should have running around by her side!

Last week Kenny and sat down to write out a new five year plan. (Yes we have been married for five years!) I quickly realized that a ll the dreams and desires I had as a young girl have been give to me! I have an amazing husband, who is full of kindness and respect. He works hard and he loves harder. I have two beautiful little girls and a son on the way. I have a home to take care of and enough bread on the table to feed my family.

I have never really wanted anything more. I wanted to be barefoot and pregnant and find that the life suits me in so many ways. However, I was twenty six before Kenny entered my life. I had a college degree, a good job, and had come to terms with the reality that family life may never be mine. I remember nights I would cry myself to sleep pleading with my Heavenly Father to grant me the blessings of being a wife and a mother. I knew my place and I was desperate to find it.

So when my world was blessed with not only a companion and lover, but the prospect of twin girls my mind ran wild with all the possibilities. Tea parties, dress up, tutu's and dancing. I imagined fairy parties and giggle fests. I in visioned two beautiful little girls hand in hand, supporting and teaching each other all of their lives.

So I feel the loss and it is acute! I understand where she is and thank the Lord that she is safe and cared for. I have often felt her presence in our home and know that she is happy. I just miss...all that could have been!