It's been along time since I have written in the blog. I think it comes mostly from the desire to write something meaningful, but now really wanting anyone to know about my life. I have, however, had a lot on my mind these past few months.
When Mhairi died there were many well wishers that told me the time would heal all wounds. I'm hear to tell them no it doesn't or I haven't given it enough time. I find that as the holidays approach I reach out for the loving and warm memories that Christmas should bring, only to find them filled with anxiety and loss. A remembrance of the little girl that once was ours and the sister that Rhyanna should have running around by her side!
Last week Kenny and sat down to write out a new five year plan. (Yes we have been married for five years!) I quickly realized that a ll the dreams and desires I had as a young girl have been give to me! I have an amazing husband, who is full of kindness and respect. He works hard and he loves harder. I have two beautiful little girls and a son on the way. I have a home to take care of and enough bread on the table to feed my family.
I have never really wanted anything more. I wanted to be barefoot and pregnant and find that the life suits me in so many ways. However, I was twenty six before Kenny entered my life. I had a college degree, a good job, and had come to terms with the reality that family life may never be mine. I remember nights I would cry myself to sleep pleading with my Heavenly Father to grant me the blessings of being a wife and a mother. I knew my place and I was desperate to find it.
So when my world was blessed with not only a companion and lover, but the prospect of twin girls my mind ran wild with all the possibilities. Tea parties, dress up, tutu's and dancing. I imagined fairy parties and giggle fests. I in visioned two beautiful little girls hand in hand, supporting and teaching each other all of their lives.
So I feel the loss and it is acute! I understand where she is and thank the Lord that she is safe and cared for. I have often felt her presence in our home and know that she is happy. I just miss...all that could have been!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, May 15, 2009
Here's your sign
My mom, dad, and I are taking a financial class on friday nights. To learn all that mumbo jumbo about finances that no one ever taught us. It seems like the world knows a lot more than we do and we could use the help. It's the Dave Ramsey course and if you don't know about it, I would look it up because their is some amazing info in it.
Well, because we are all at the meeting and Kenny is at work there is no one to watch Rhyanna, so we take her with us. No one seems to mind except on lady. I believe she is hard of hearing so Rhyanna's noise is distracting to her. The first week we were there she asked my father if we could find a babysitter to watch her. He made some joke about saving money and left it at that.
Apparently she didn't like the comment made by my father and took the issue to my mother the next week. My mother explained that after Mhairi died, I don't trust anyone to take Rhyanna. That I want to keep her as close to me as possible. She seemed to understand that, but every week now she will glare at me whenever Rhyanna makes a peep.
Today she seem particularly annoyed and so Grandpa took her out in the hall. After the class the Lady came and thanked me for taking her out of the class. This would be fine except that she wasn't making any noise just babbling here and their. Grandma got furious and tried explaining to the lady again why Rhyanna was in the class, but the lady just kept saying she was glad she wasn't. Finally the lady's husband apologized for her and when she went away he explained that she has hearing problems and that she probably didn't understand what mom had told her in the first place.
The point I'm trying to make is that sometimes stupidity comes from both parties involved. Often it's not just one but both. However it warmed my heart to see my mother get so heated for me and my daughter. She was trying to protected me and it really meant a lot. That's how we are as parents. No matter how long we have been out of the nest, our parents will protect us. I don't know what my little family would do with out them. They have helped us more than they will ever know.
Well, because we are all at the meeting and Kenny is at work there is no one to watch Rhyanna, so we take her with us. No one seems to mind except on lady. I believe she is hard of hearing so Rhyanna's noise is distracting to her. The first week we were there she asked my father if we could find a babysitter to watch her. He made some joke about saving money and left it at that.
Apparently she didn't like the comment made by my father and took the issue to my mother the next week. My mother explained that after Mhairi died, I don't trust anyone to take Rhyanna. That I want to keep her as close to me as possible. She seemed to understand that, but every week now she will glare at me whenever Rhyanna makes a peep.
Today she seem particularly annoyed and so Grandpa took her out in the hall. After the class the Lady came and thanked me for taking her out of the class. This would be fine except that she wasn't making any noise just babbling here and their. Grandma got furious and tried explaining to the lady again why Rhyanna was in the class, but the lady just kept saying she was glad she wasn't. Finally the lady's husband apologized for her and when she went away he explained that she has hearing problems and that she probably didn't understand what mom had told her in the first place.
The point I'm trying to make is that sometimes stupidity comes from both parties involved. Often it's not just one but both. However it warmed my heart to see my mother get so heated for me and my daughter. She was trying to protected me and it really meant a lot. That's how we are as parents. No matter how long we have been out of the nest, our parents will protect us. I don't know what my little family would do with out them. They have helped us more than they will ever know.
Monday, May 11, 2009
A Mothers Day
I remember some years ago, shortly after my mission I attended church at my parents ward for mothers day. While there, I bumped into a young lady that I had once had the opportunity of baby sitting. After she had gotten older we had become good friends and I attended her wedding where I bore the teasing that she had gotten married before me. Now I sat behind her, still single, and watched as she rubbed her belly, large with child and her husbands arm around her shoulders.
My heart ached and as tears ran down my face I wondered in my heart if the time would ever come when I would know not only the love of a good man, but what it is like to feel a child grow within me. It seemed that every natural instinct in me long for these things. I whispered a silent prayer that someday I could fulfill this measure of my creation.
Four mother days would pass, each one filled with want and desire, before I met my Kenny. He filled my life with inexplicable joy and love. My first mothers day with him, I sat with his arm around me filled with the peace that one day I we celebrate with child in arms.
Last May, I became my childhood friend, I sat with husband by my side and not just one, but two wonderful little babies growing in my belly. I wept tears of joy and whispered a prayer of gratitude for such an amazing blessing. Looking forward to the next year when I would have my babies in arm.
I never would have believed that I would spend my first legitimate mothers day feeling the joy of having such a beautiful baby girl held close to my heart, and the sorrow of knowing that a little person was missing from our family circle. This year as a sat in picture perfection of husband mother and child, I whispered a prayer of gratitude for the Plan of Salvation and the knowledge that our family would be complete again. Not a day goes by that I don't think of our little Mhairi, I know she will always be part of us in this life. I am so grateful for Rhyanna and her beautiful excited smile that lights us my world and fills me with joy. I never knew you could love this much.
My heart ached and as tears ran down my face I wondered in my heart if the time would ever come when I would know not only the love of a good man, but what it is like to feel a child grow within me. It seemed that every natural instinct in me long for these things. I whispered a silent prayer that someday I could fulfill this measure of my creation.
Four mother days would pass, each one filled with want and desire, before I met my Kenny. He filled my life with inexplicable joy and love. My first mothers day with him, I sat with his arm around me filled with the peace that one day I we celebrate with child in arms.
Last May, I became my childhood friend, I sat with husband by my side and not just one, but two wonderful little babies growing in my belly. I wept tears of joy and whispered a prayer of gratitude for such an amazing blessing. Looking forward to the next year when I would have my babies in arm.
I never would have believed that I would spend my first legitimate mothers day feeling the joy of having such a beautiful baby girl held close to my heart, and the sorrow of knowing that a little person was missing from our family circle. This year as a sat in picture perfection of husband mother and child, I whispered a prayer of gratitude for the Plan of Salvation and the knowledge that our family would be complete again. Not a day goes by that I don't think of our little Mhairi, I know she will always be part of us in this life. I am so grateful for Rhyanna and her beautiful excited smile that lights us my world and fills me with joy. I never knew you could love this much.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Angels
There have been several people who have asked me to keep my blog going. Moved I'm sure by the one entry I have. I hesitate because I don't share freely but know that it's fun and exciting to know the "latest" in our friends lives.
It's been four and a half months since our little Mhairi Ahnna went back to heaven. Which means she has been gone longer than we had her. We are at peace with her passing and understand that God's vision is much broader than ours. She has a special mission no doubt and we pray for her success each night. We had her for a moment and we will love her for a lifetime.
Rhyanna has been our joy and happiness. Her beautiful little smile warms anyone's heart. She is calm and happy and loves her family. Everyone comments on how wonderful she is and what a good baby she is. We love her, love her, love her!
She is doing so well developmentally. She is right on track. She loves her saucer and dance with her mommy to the music. She is so happy when her daddy is home and just as the primary song says, she "clasps her hands upon his cheeks." I think she likes to feel his scruffy face because then she knows it's dad!
Kenny is my man and I could not do what I do without him. I don't think anyone could love their spouse as much as I love mine.
Well if the blogs continue, you will have to be patient with the spelling, because well...I can't. But sound it out and you'll get the gist.
It's been four and a half months since our little Mhairi Ahnna went back to heaven. Which means she has been gone longer than we had her. We are at peace with her passing and understand that God's vision is much broader than ours. She has a special mission no doubt and we pray for her success each night. We had her for a moment and we will love her for a lifetime.
Rhyanna has been our joy and happiness. Her beautiful little smile warms anyone's heart. She is calm and happy and loves her family. Everyone comments on how wonderful she is and what a good baby she is. We love her, love her, love her!
She is doing so well developmentally. She is right on track. She loves her saucer and dance with her mommy to the music. She is so happy when her daddy is home and just as the primary song says, she "clasps her hands upon his cheeks." I think she likes to feel his scruffy face because then she knows it's dad!
Kenny is my man and I could not do what I do without him. I don't think anyone could love their spouse as much as I love mine.
Well if the blogs continue, you will have to be patient with the spelling, because well...I can't. But sound it out and you'll get the gist.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Two Seperate Beds
You all may know that we had our Twins on September 5th 2008. It's been almost a month now and our little girls have always had two separate beds. Now, to many of you that may seem like nothing, but to two little girls who's life up until birth was shared with her sister that is everything. As grateful as I am to have my adorable little Mhairi at home with us, my heart breaks for Rhyanna who spends day in and day out with strangers and the constant beep of monitors.
Mhairi was the first "born" into this world. She was a healthy five pounds five oz. despite being born six weeks early. The first time I saw her she looked just like a porcelain doll, perfect. She is small in build and her skin is gorgeous. She has these large gorgeous eyes that are so crystal clear they seem to look right into your soul. Mhairi was blessed with an angels disposition and I have only heard her cry a handful of times.
Rhyanna is my angel. I believe that had we not proceeded with the Cesarean that our little girl wouldn't have made it. She had been weak in the days prier to the birth and it had been difficult to follow her heart rhythms. She worried me often and silently prayed she was well. It does not surprise me now that she is the one who remains behind fighting a bad case of acid reflex and struggling to eat. However, she is a strong girl with those same big eyes that seem to be for mom only.
I couldn't begin to tell you the plethora of emotions that wave through me each day on this new journey called motherhood. The lesson I feel I'm learn most is patience. Though I know in my heart the only battle I'm fighting is time and soon, soon enough, we will all be home and a family together.
Mhairi was the first "born" into this world. She was a healthy five pounds five oz. despite being born six weeks early. The first time I saw her she looked just like a porcelain doll, perfect. She is small in build and her skin is gorgeous. She has these large gorgeous eyes that are so crystal clear they seem to look right into your soul. Mhairi was blessed with an angels disposition and I have only heard her cry a handful of times.
Rhyanna is my angel. I believe that had we not proceeded with the Cesarean that our little girl wouldn't have made it. She had been weak in the days prier to the birth and it had been difficult to follow her heart rhythms. She worried me often and silently prayed she was well. It does not surprise me now that she is the one who remains behind fighting a bad case of acid reflex and struggling to eat. However, she is a strong girl with those same big eyes that seem to be for mom only.
I couldn't begin to tell you the plethora of emotions that wave through me each day on this new journey called motherhood. The lesson I feel I'm learn most is patience. Though I know in my heart the only battle I'm fighting is time and soon, soon enough, we will all be home and a family together.
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